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  • just hold on just hold on just hold on

    SWF seeks an exit from PTSD, grief, and depression after 1.5 years in. Been digging a tunnel out, but my shovel is dull, my hands are covered in blisters, and there's still 10 feet left before the surface. Wizards, magicians, angels, magic wands, and miracles accepted. 

    I've stopped comparing myself to other people. I'm not exactly sure when that happened, but I noticed it shortly before Christmas. There's no one to hold myself up to except myself, there's no one to emulate except the person that I am inside. I took the time to introduce myself and we're getting to know each other well. She's pretty great, and I care about her a lot. I think she has a lot of potential. She's wicked smart, compassionate, talented, insightful, and funny, with a huge heart and a lot of interest in serving others. 

    I love too deeply, too much, and I don't know how to let go or move away from it. I'm trying but it won't leave. There's something automatic, instinctual, that's taken over. Some frightened animal in the corner that snarls and growls when I get too close, and all I can do is sit and stay calm and wait until it calms down enough for me to get close to it. 

    There's only so much pain over so long a person can take. I come too close to my threshhold too often. I was given a second chance, twice. There won't be a third. Recovery isn't a straight line, it's a rollercoaster with dips and turns, and when those dips come, it scares the hell out of me. How much can one person be expected to take?

    I'm doing this on my own. There's no one here but me and a couple of cats. Maybe some ghosts too. Being responsible for my own well-being when working through a disabling illness isn't anything I'd wish on anyone. Honestly, I wish I knew someone else in this situation, just so I could take care of them and have something else to focus on. 

    I've had enough grief and enough pain, but I don't have any choice but to face it and work through it. I'm scared. I'm scared because I love myself, but I've hurt for so hard so long, and I need it to lift. I want to move forward, but afraid I don't have the stamina to get to the point where it's easier before cracking again. I'm afraid I'm pushing things down again, and that didn't do me any good before.  My cup is already filled to the brim. Add anymore and there's gona be a huge mess everywhere. I'd just like this to be over now, please? 

    This is my prayer, Angels. This is my prayer. Lighten my load, lighten my load.