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  • the anger of healing

    Recently, I was approved for disability benefits, retroactive to 2013. I was approved without having to appeal a denial, which is pretty unheard of when it comes to disability. Initially it was a huge relief, but as time has gone on I've found myself mad as hell. Mad as hell at all the people who shoved happy thoughts up my ass as the solution. Mad as hell at the people who couldn't seem to accept that yes, it was THAT BAD. MAD AS HELL at the selfishness of certain Very Important People in my life who convinced themselves I was just putting on an act/being manipulative to get what I wanted.

    Frankly - and I'm about to be frank and honest in an upsetting way here kids - frankly you'd think that two suicide attempts and one at-risk hospitalization would have made that clear, but it didn't. Frankly, you'd think that people who were well aware of this wouldn't accuse me of making someone suicidal because of something I'd posted on Facebook, shortly after an almost-suicide that left me unconscious for two days. You'd think that having a diagnosis of PTSD would be enough to convince those who claimed to love me the most and who I loved the most to try to understand and be supportive. Except it didn't.

    I've been branded all sorts of horrible things. I've been held solely responsible for conflict stemming from not only my but others' issues, even while working very hard to own my mistakes and meet in the middle. Treated without any consideration for my status as a living, breathing human being with feelings, recent severe trauma, and recent history of suicide. I deserved no consideration or compromise, just blame. Such a horrible person, deserving of being ignored when asking for companionship by those I thought were friends, hurt by this but it being brushed off by multiple people as "everyone’s got their own shit to deal with."

    Guess what, I'm legally disabled. GUESS WHAT: my shit was REAL, serious, and deserving of the same consideration, compromise, and compassion I gave you for yours.

    When I'm told specifically that I'm a danger to Someone Else's health and well being, that any contact from me could damage their progress, I have to wonder: Why, then, are you wearing the bracelet I had made for you, the one that says "<3 love you [pet name] <3"? Honestly?? You weren't unable to work. You weren't declared disabled. You spent a few weeks in an IOP and learned...something, I guess. How to blame others for your issues maybe. And then went right back at it. Not that I think you have no issues - believe me, you do, but that YOU painted yours as more debilitating and dangerous than mine, therefore excusing the horrible treatment you showed me? No, just no. 

    There's so much anger in me over this treatment by people who claimed to be friends, who claimed to love me so deeply. Every damned day I have committed myself to working towards forgiveness. Reconciliation isn't possible with most of them, some because they have cut off contact in their own anger, some because I am still grieving and hurting and not there yet myself. Some I have simply let go, because I know that in the grand scheme of things I am better off without certain people and the energies they bring in my life. And blessedly the universe has seen fit to fill those holes with new, fantastic people and even skme new dimensions and directions in old friendships. For that I couldn't be more grateful.

    And yet here I am, still angry and still working towards forgiveness and freedom from those past hurts and bad situations. It's certainly not because I hate these people for what they've done. Just the opposite, in fact: It's because I love them so much that makes thia so hard. Letting go isn't easy. I strive for reconciliation but I also look out for myself: sometimes walking away from takers is best. Sometimes you want to reconcile but those you want to do so with refuse to acknowledge their hand in the hurt. All this destroys trust, and for me right now, in light of everything that's happened, breaches of trust are incredibly painful and difficult to heal. Trust cannot return when you are denied reconciliation, when another's denial prevents any acknowledgement of their own role in a conflict.

    I'm angry, and sad and hurt and lonely and brokenhearted and still not ready for intimacy and relationships and aching physically, while at the same time having made huge strides personally, emotionally & spiritually, having overcome obstacles I thought were impossible to overcome, having changed myself, my emotions, and my behavior in ways that I never thought were possible. And I'm proud of me.

    And if there's one thing I have now that i never thought would be reality, it's the voice in my gut that reminds me everything is going to be OK, that everything will work out. I have faith and belief in that voice, and it has yet to give me reason for doubt.

    Still sad though, still stinging from unloving, uncompassionate, and cruel actions and decisions of others, despite their motivations which in many cases I think have validity. Their actions? No. Not at all. Denied reconciliation, and my heart aches and I still weep, regularly.

    I'll be ok eventually because I am determined to continue working towards forgiveness, and because i *know* I will. Which in no way excuses anyone's hurtful actions, but merely says "I release this conflict. What you did wasn't ok and never will be, but I love you and I don't require anything else from you anymore."

    I'll get there eventually. There's no time limit or deadline, no rush to do anything other than heal and be the best me I can make.