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  • Abandonment

    I am struggling to understand the lessons learned from the rejection and abandonment by my ex-husband and ex-girlfriend. Struggling hard to trust people again. I tried for a bit, but wow, people just let you down all over the place. Even if they're aware of your history and struggles to trust again. 

    That knowing? Sometimes I have this feeling of knowing that I will be on my own from now on. I don't like it, I don't want it. But I can understand it...between my gender identity and sobriety and disability, it makes sense, but it's a hard pill to swallow. but do i have to swallow it? is this truly what i'm sensing and knowing, that i'll be alone from now on, or is that my pain gettng in the way?

    Do I swallow it and accept my circumstances, or do I reject it and..well, frankly, get hurt a lot more? So far it's been the latter. I honestly disqualify myself far before anyone else. Since the chronic pain started I don't see that I have much to offer anyone. 

    You 20 somethings think it's hard navigating this stuff...wait until you're older. but likely you won't have to. navigating dating at 43 is...well, if you're not in perfect shape and ready to party or desperate enough to pick anyone, good luck. 

    yeah, life is harder single. Try being disabled and divorced, try being divorced because your spouse wasn't willing to make the necessary changes to deal with the fallout of the trauma and disability. And yet. I asked for the divorce because the situation became so toxic for me it was my only way out. Even still, I tried to end it by suicide a couple times. 

    Loneliness is horrible at this age. Every wrinkle and fold is a death sentence for the possibility of a relationship. And yet friends try to tell you not to be negative! that i'm awesome and blah blah, but they are usually coupled and don't see what I see. 

    i love people and am here on this earth to help as I can. But it's hard to believe you're helping when you feel like an afterthought. 

    ~~i ask to overcome the trauma of abandonment that has plagued me since childhood.~~

    And that is about all I can do or expect or want at this moment.