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  • psʇd

    sobbing deep guttural sobs
    connected to an emptiness
    deep
    inside my heart.
    his absence, that J.
    combined with fear and pain and
    confusion and fear
    and pain,
    I saw infinity, i was at once all things.
    I slacklined with shadow
    and fell. shattered into infinite pieces.
    whatever universe I landed in
    was not where I began.
    the loss was palpable.
    the nothing, i carved into my flesh
    again and again
    hoping to give form to the massive incorporeal hole
    that as yet had no name. scared,
    i sat wounded in the
    corner
    unable to find a way out
    while cupid's arrows turned to poison darts.
    the sensation of love and fear, simultaneously,
    like tentacles tightening around my chest,
    suffocating.
    holding on was suffocating me.
    I was dying.
    i did die.
    but they sent me back
    to remember how to love again.
    can monsters feel love?
    answer: yes, but it is love they fear most
    and so they lock it up deep inside
    the endless labyrinth in the tiny space
    of the space
    in the center
    to forget
    to be safe
    to save,

    ...

    i sit afraid, here.
    still afraid of love,
    it seems.
    the birds chatter in the trees, the flowers still bloom as
    the bees still visit to kiss and caress, though
    there are fewer now.
    the wind still touches my hair and
    when it's warm the sun still paints its spots
    on my nose.
    I built a fence
    (not a wall).
    i built a fence
    (not a wall)
    and locked the gate, did i?
    well.
    you would too.

    do not worry. eventually,
    you too will forget. 

    m.e.w.